Its hard to actually keep up a post. I try not to be taken over by technology and busynes in hk. When i come home, turning on the tv and computer use to be my piority but now… i can survive without them. Time just flies by when i have the tv on and the laptop on at the same time. I usually find myself up really late, but now, i have control of my time and will not let these things take over me. The reason i have my laptop on tonight is because im suppose to be writing my lesson plan, but i dont want to do it so im going to figure it out some other time.

I thought it would be nice to blog because I found that i still do have some readers out there. Its so sweet to know that you are still reading my slow blog and still wanting to know what is going on with me. Thank you.

School has started for the children, so you can imagine it has been a little crazy. The children still are not use to the routines yet, Im still kinda lost and not following what I am suppose to… then it gets kaiotic some times…. then other times… the children are so adorable and loveable. On the saturday that just passed, i already missed the children, i wanted monday to come sooner. I started to think why. This is offically my own class, as before, i was just a filler. I have my name “Ms. Lili” on everything, and all the children are proud to have me as a teacher. The parents come and tell me that the children tell them good things about me when they get home. I only had them for 5 days and they are already telling their parents that they like me…. isn’t that so sweet?

A note on my name. The English teachers at the school are called by their first name with a Mr. or Ms. in front… not sure why but that has been the ritual. When speaking with the children I have been using a lot of 3rd person speech, now I often refer to myself in the 3rd person “ms. Lili” instead of saying “me”…ahhh… that is scary. For example, if the children are talking when I am talking then I would say, “Ms. Lili” is talking right now, who is not listening?”. Or, a child would say “I want to go to the washroom”, then i would respond “Is that how you ask Ms. Lili to go to the washroom?”. Last example is when the children are not doing what they were asked I would say, “What did Ms. Lili say to do?”. In one day I must say my own name like 20 times…. so dont be suprised if i start refering to myself as Ms. Lili to you.

Tonight i went to an all district church prayer meeting. There was a little struggle in me to go. One of the main points of coming to Hk was to be able to go to church and meetings. Im glad I took myself out of my comfort zone and come to hk to test my faith. When i was in toronto i had excuses and “reasons” not to be at many church events, here in hk, i pretty much almost have none. However, I still find myself subconciously making up excuses. I had the opportunity today to reflect on my spiritul self/life. Many times, its my own will that stops me from connecting with God and stops me from going to church. I almost couldn’t believe that I had a struggle to go to tonight’s prayer meeting. I have to admit, i am tired from work and have 3 weeks worth of lesson plans to do, but i think at the end it was all just an excuse. Yesterday night, i prayed for strength and prayed that God would renew my mind and my heart. God reminded me of why I chose to come to HK this year. I knew that making the choice to go to meeting was the right now and was the one that I need to pick. After classes, i stayed at school to do work on the computer. I was the last one, the receptionist was waiting for me to leave so she could close the door.

I finally made it to the prayer meeting and it was a really big one. Tonight i experienced God being very delighted that I had made the right choice. During the meeting I didn’t have any major revelations, or wasn’t extremely touched in anyway, however, I had such peace and joy to be there. Our church is celebrating its 40 years of operation. There were some sharings from brothers and sisters that were encouraging and just fun to hear. Most of it was about “back in the day….” but its so precious to hear about that, about how brothers and sisters sacrafice so much for each other and for the church. The message that was shared was not totally amazing or totally life changing, but it was very helpful and refreshing. The brother who shared the message was the one who baptised me so I was really happy to hear him. I haven’t hear his live messages for a long long time. His message tonight was about love, the church and God’s family. It was stuff I had heard before, but it was all good to hear it again. I also took some good notes. Also, through out the meeting, I thought that I would be “fishing” (like falling asleep) but i wasn’t, i was wide awake an was ready to be moved. It was a really good experience.

Im not sure how your spiritual life is doing. I find that when i talk to people its not often I ask about their spiritual life, all I talk about is earthly things. I hope that the next time we talk, we can share more about our spiritual life, and learn to pray for each other.

From my experience today, dont let our own excuses and “reasons” to hinder you from running to God. He is so willing and longing to see your face and hear your voice. Dont let busyness stop you from loving brothers and sisters or stop you from hanging out at church to build relationships with people you will see in eternity. If you are going to see them forever, then you better start building some memories now, its probably more important then doing those “things” what are only good for temporary use.

Last note from the message today. Love needs to be expressed, not only exist. We can only love if we are first loved. God has shown us this love, therefore we can love others.

good night.

I know i have been here for a month now, but today is day one!
I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I was just awake the whole night. You know those nights where you seem to look at the clock every hour? Well, i got up early and took a night shower, i was really really tired but I had to go to work. My first task was to pick up my 2 co-workers at a hotel. At first that would sound crazy because i got the responsibility to do that but, my instructions was to take the taxi for the task. I went downstairs, found a taxi, told him I had to go to TST to pick some people up and then needed to come back to TKT, the driver looked confused but told me to get in anyways. It was just a nice morning ride around town. I totally didnt mind picking thme up because they are really cool people and we have been spending a lot of time together anyways. Since the taxi $$ wasn’t on me, we decided to get some breakfast on the way. We got the taxi driver to drive around to find a bakery so we could buy buns. He found one and so the 3 of us asked him to wait outside as we went to get breakfast. After that, he took us right to our work campus. It was a goood morning.

The training was long but it was useful. I have to say that they did a really good job preparing the orientation. Lunch was also provided for us, we had both western food like pasta and escargo. We also had the asian foods like dim sum and fried noodles. I also got my good share of drinking tea all day. I was able to meet other new teachers during the training. There are some cool people who will be working for the school, i look forward to working with them all. I also hope we will be able to hangout, outside of school. The training pretty much took me right to the end of the day. The best thing about work now is that I can walk home. It takes me a shorter time to walk home then it does for me to walk to work… I wonder why….. heheh…

Today was a little special though because I went with Heather and Tashsa to their new place. We tried to find a new route to get to their house. we didn’t have to walk too far but, we had to walk through lots of parks. There is a big highway separting my campus and my house. Its so annoying trying to get across the highway. Anyways, so, the girls went to their hosue to do some cleaning, I was suppose to go help but I had to go see a doctor.

I must have done something horrible to my left arm yesterday. I pulled and strained a muscle, it was hurting all day, i couldn’t take the pain so i went to see the doctor. It was a chinese doctor, i didn’t see a western one because he probably would have just given me pain killers. I needed someone to fix my arm. The doctor said he had to poke me with needles and shock me with electicity to relax the muscle. I was scared to death, thought for a long time, didn’t want the pain and finally decided to let him do it. I was so scared when he poked those needle in me, but I needed it cuz i didn’t want my arm to hurt. the good thing though, he gave me a massage to losen up my arm, shoulders and back. He also said I was too stressed out over a long period of time and that I was too tense. He told me to learn to relax. I totally understand why he said that. He said that it would also help me with my headaches if I relaxed more. I told him that since i came to HK i have been much more relaxed….hehe…. Now hat school started though, I’m sure there will be times when I get stressed out. I dont look forward to it, but I look forward to working with the children.

Alright, i have a long day tomorrow, so Im going to go to sleep early and hope to have a lovely day.

Its been a long time since I blogged…. but summmm body wanted me to blog more so… i wanted to come and make a little note.

I was home most of the day today to chat with some family and people back home. I also cleaned up my house because I have some new furniture in my house. Then i went out to meet Heather and Billy to have some food and went shopping down Lady’s Market.

At first it was hard for us to bargin. We just didn’t know how to do it!! Eventually we got the hang of it. The true trick of it is not speaking any Chinese!!! So, the first place we started our barginning was a fashion store. We asked them how much it was and she said it was $129 each shirt. Heather, Billy and I gave the lady a sour look and simply said it was too expensive. We asked for a good price. She started to ask us what price we will give her by handing us a calculator. Billy was smart, he punched in $60… of course the lady jumped up and wouldn’t take it. Then it was a bargining game, she said a price, we refused, we said a price she refused and so on and so on. I dont remember how much we got it too but we still weren’t satisfied. Then we asked if we got two would it be cheaper. After a long moment of bargining, she gave us 2 shirts for the price of one. hehe…

So for the good part of the afternoon the three of us spend the time shopping around and practising our bargining skills. We also took some time to walk around the malls, looking around and enjoying the busyness of Mong Kok. We also went to try out a famous bubble tea place. It was right beside a smelly tofu snack shop… it was a big smell… we didn’t eat any though, i wouldn’t be able to put it in my mouth. We just got some bubble tea and continued shopping.

By the end of the evening, we also went to Jusco to get some stuff for my house. I also went to Japan Home Style to get more stuff. Its really fun shopping for my house. I can design it how ever I want and can get what ever I need to make it useful and homey.

Its really late now, I have a long day tmr, so I am going to sleep. Update again soon.

The weekend is gone and the new week has stepped in. I feel like i’m losing time these days. I’m just always so busy.

Its been a mixed weekend for me. Tough times, sad times, ok times, and hard working times. But it all ended well. I just came home from a movie date with Al, we went to see The forbidden kingdom. It wasn’t “wow” good, but it was good. I think i would recommend it to other people. There were some funny scenes because Jackie Chan was in it. There were a lot of guys in the theater, i guess they were all hoping to see a really good fighting movie…there were fighting but I dont think it is much of a guy movie as they hoped. It was a good evening. I just hope that I can spend more and more time with al, cuz we will be spending some time apart.

The weather has been improving and i’ve been really excited about it. All weekend i had my summer look on. It was chilly some times though, but I was too excited about the sun and the heat to worry. I can’t wait till its hot hot hot and when the sun is shinning brightly. I want to take walks on the beach, i want to go out for bike rides by lake shore, I want to take nice walks outside and I want to go for an outdoor BBQ. I just can’t wait.

Its late already and i’m tired. Its been a couple of days so I decided to do some sort of update anyways.

I had a long day and long wait at a doctor’s clinic today. I went with my dad to get his foot checked out. The day was pretty hot and sunny. When I sat in the passenger’s seat I actually got car sick. Its been a long time but it happened. I hate how my dad drives. He is so aggressive and jerky. When he is on the road he drives like he wants to eat all the other cars on the road. I know I suck with motion sickness, but my dad’s driving just makes it magnified. Maybe all my motion sickness comes from riding in my dad’s car all my life. Now i get sick on all kinds of transportation. That is so sad. How am I going to survive the 20 plus hours on a flight to HK? I really have to get those pills and remedies. I’m actually really freaked out about the flying part. I’m not so much scared of HK, I’m more scared of going there.

What else is new? sigh…i dont know. I just have these long long days filled with things to do. When will this end?

Everybody is talking about buying house…buying houses, buying houses…it that all people care about? I get that its important, its a symbol or success, its a good start to your own family etc…and it makes lots of money…lots and lots…thats great….
But I dont really care….not every thing is about the material thing. As someone told me…if its meant to be, a cardboard box will be just as warm and sweet.

its getting late, i’m going to sleep…another day of driving….
btw…might as well rant about it….gas is going to be the end of me. Its just keeps on going up up up….it seems like taking the TTC is cheaper these days. A month pass is just about $100….I fill more then that worth of gas a month. Sigh…Everything is money. It is probably costing me to sleep too….garr…

I was just about to turn off my computer but remembered I should write a little blog.

What have been my last updates? I can’t even remember. I’ve spend more time at home cleaning up. I keep a lot of things. I have tons and tons of things just in my room. I’ve been sorting my papers because I have a lot of that. I”m just in the process of figuring out what I need to keep and what I need to shred. I have records for everything and everybody. I have this little file box that has lots of different files I am suppose to organize. At first I pulled out about 6 files and thought it was too many, but as I started to go through my papers, I have about 20 different files. I have papers from my store, my dad’s stuff, my sister’s stuff, phone bills, statements, visa bills, resources and all sorts of others stuff. I’ve already been really good at throwing away things. I’m not a dumper but I have to be if I really want to clean up.

Not sure if anyone knows but I love boxes and storage bins/boxes. If the world could be my way, I would put everything into boxes and storage bins. I actually have a big collection of boxes but I just had them on display, there never use to be anything in them. Now as I’m trying to organize my room I have to actually put things into the boxes. I have a nice box candies on my desk, I have a nice clear box for my (thousands) of pens/pencils, I have a nice clear layered box for my office supplies. I also have 4 different jewelery boxes for my jewelery, I have a box for my nail polish, I have a box for my stickers, a box for my extra winter stuff, 4 boxes for cards/postcards others sent me. I have boxes all over the place. I actually want some bigger boxes so I could store my winter clothing. The season is changing so its time to put away those heavy winter stuff.

I’ve been at the gym a lot more this month because i want to get more workout sessions going. However, I don’t know if its all working out. I can’t tell if I’ve shed any pounds, and I still feel so huge and fat. Through measurements it seems that I’m shaving inches here and there, but I can’t tell. The only thing I can tell is that I’m gaining a lot of muscles, especially biceps. I can actually flex and see a muscle. I have also increased on the weights I’m using when I’m training. I’m starting to get very impatient and feel like I’m running out of time. I was talking to a friend who just came back from HK last night. He told me that I don’t have to worried about getting fat. There are huge billboards of ads in the HK subways for girls to get skinny. Apparently its cheap, quick and has results. The only thing that is fishy about those companies is that I don’t know how they actually help you get skinny. Here, they at least tell you that they feed you very limited kinds of food. In HK, they just say they make you thin, but doesn’t really tell you how. What if they teach me how to throw up after meals, or give me pills that suck the life out of me? Should I think of trying them out? Humm…..The summer is fast approaching.

Tomorrow will be a long day for me. I have a day course and will be uptown pretty much all day till the night. I’m going to head to sleep actually because i’m so tired. I’ll be driving tomorrow too so i’m going to die. Have you checked out the gas lately? My goodness….its expensive!! That 109.00 gas lasted me less then a week. I had to fill up a little bit yesterday. I was hoping it would go down a little bit so that I could fill up for tomorrow, Sunday and Tuesday’s trip but I guess not. It feels like ripping of pieces of my skin when I go to the pumps. Sigh….Can’t live without it, can’t survive with it!

Im so tired and its only Tuesday of the week. Its in the middle of the day but I decided to blog because I haven’t updated in a couple of days.

My schedule is weird so its hard to blog. Usually when I come home in the evening I only have time to prepare for the next day and no time for anything else.

I’ve been having many many earlier mornings. I already have been around in the west end all morning. The good thing now is that I dont have to drive. Since I have to pass so many things on to my brother I have to take him everywhere with me so he can learn the different places. There are so many more things I have to do before I head off to HK.

Everyday there seems to be a new crisis that happens in my family. If I wasn’t preparing to leave on this trip I would simple be dealing with these problems and crisis like usual. Now, I’m learning to either pass them on, not get involved, not take on the problems or just leave the problems to solve themselves. I think its a learning process for everyone in my family. The new crisis and problems that have been arising are just being left a lone because we know that I can’t take care of them.

I need to pick up some extra shifts of work before heading to this trip. I need to prepare lots of $$ so I can survive for the first month or so when I’m in HK. I will be doing a shift at scadding’s child care tmr. I’m pretty excited about it. I haven’t been in a child care for a while so it will be fun to be around lots of young children again. I actually have a pretty packed day tmr. First, the gym, then work in the child care from 1-4:30, then work at the desk from 4:30-8, then I will be meeting a friend. I also need to make a couple of more arrangements to meet with some friends who will be leaving Toronto in the next week.

I’m sitting at my computer but there are actually many things I should be doing. I have like a dozen of calls to make before I head to work and head to home visit tonight. Oh ya, regarding my home visit. They are actually off to their home country tomorrow for 2 months. They wont be back till begining of June. I will miss them soo soo much. Its going to be weird because when they come back I’ll be leaving. I’m pretty sad because I’ve been with this family for over 2 years now. I wish them well and hope they will be safe on their trip.

One more cool thing I can share with you. I have a van that I drive and share with my brothers. At my house we dont have a drive way so we park on the street. In the evenings after 12AM the people who want to park on the street have to have a permit. I have that permit so there is no problem finding parking at night. However, in the day time its horrible because the streets have free parking so they are always filled up. When I get up early in the morning to take the car out and come back in the afternoon there are never any parking spots. There are two things I can do. One, sit in the car and wait for a parking spot, (this can take forever, I”ve waiting up to 2 hours sometimes and get nothing). Two, I can park my car on the street, in front of my house on the opposite side of the street. The only problem with this is, there is no parking allowed on that side of the street. The police is pretty quick about coming and giving us a ticket if they see the car parked on the other side of the street.Usually we have to keep our front door open and have someone stand there to watch the car while we wait for a spot. That is just as time consuming. So today, no one wanted to watch the car and there are no parking spots, so what can I do? Well, I have to be at my computer so I thought of great idea. Take a look for yourself.

I have an extra web cam so I just connect a whole bunch of USB cords and hooked it up to my computer. Now, as I’m blogging on the computer I can keep an eye on the car to make sure I dont get a ticket. LOL. The only thing is, I can’t see if there are any parking spots up or down the street. I’ll only see the two cars that are parked in front of the house. If a police officer comes or if there is an open spot, I just have to yell and my brother will go move the car. Now isn’t that a bright idea? Hehe….

Ok, I’m going to eat and do the things I need too.

ttyl

Its a chill wet afternoon what am i doing and where am i? Well, im sitting in the waiting room of the provincial offence office waiting to see a prosecutor for a traffic ticket. the offence? failing to stop for a stop sign so i went to pick up my brothers one night and apparently missed a stop sign. the officer followed me and issued me the ticket. since i will be away i have to wait to see the prosecutor right away… except the right away is waiting forever. its been about an hour now… not sure how much longer this is going to take. I have 4 hours before my next booked appointment hopefully this will be done soon.

News update: i will be leaving in about 2 months to teach kindergarten in Hong Kong. The whole process has been pretty crazy with lots of things and people to think about and lots odd decisions to make. It has been tough but none the less a great learning experience. Im starting to realize that when going away it wont be the time im away that will be hard it is the time piror to leaving and when i come back. There are lots of things to prepare for before going and when i return, ill need to learn to settle back in.

For the pass little while and the time coming up i have been passing on my many responsibilities to my brothers. Im very proud of both of them because they have been very supportive and mature about the whole thing. Piror to deciding i asked them about what they feel about picking up all my responsibilities. Both of them understood well what was coming but still encouraged me to take this opportunity. For the pass week and a half they have already taken up many duties and have been learning to deal with the things i’ve done. There has been a whole lot of information and both of them has taken it maturely. I feel peace and confident that both of them will take care of my parents, the house and the store. This has been a great chance to take these responsibilities off my shoulder.

I have to admit that as i list these responsibilities one by one… i again realize how much i have to deal with. Im again amaze at God for carrying me through all of this. How would i have dealt with all these things if God was not with me ? Truely there would have been no way. Sometimes i sit back and almost freak out about this trip but what do i need to fear? Will He not provide for me? Will He not protect me? Will He not guide me? Will He desert my loved ones that are here? Absolutly not! He will do more then what i can imagine. I put my trust in Him.

I really should get back into the habit of Blogging so that i can keep my readers posted. Especially when im away it will be nice to let you know what is going on right? ok… i have time to practice. Plus im Blogging on my phone so its pretty easy and quick.

ttyl.

I was at work on Friday night after a long day of work and literally volunteering. I hadn’t guarded for a long time but I did on Friday morning for a daycare camp because it was march break. Then I spent 4 hours in a pool completing my second co-exam for bronze examiner. Bronze courses is a set of lifesaving swim courses offered to people who want to learn some swimming skills that are above just simply swimming. These courses have very heavy course material about first aid, CPR, emergencies and some swimming. Each candidate has to pass a written and physical exam before receiving their award. I am trying to receive my examiner certificate so that I can examine people for the Bronze level course. I have completed my apprenticeship so now, I just submit my papers and get appointed as an examiner. I can’t wait!!

Without a break I started work at the front desk. It was a quiet Friday afternoon so it was more of a rest then work. Towards the end of the shift an old old friend of mine from elementary school showed up at the centre. I’ve seen her around in chinatown already so I wasn’t surprised but one little thing got me to think.

She is my age, we went meet in elementary school. She was an ESL student in an ESL class. I dont remember exactly how we meet but she was one of the ESL students who could speak the most English. I was able to speak in Chinese so we were able to communicate. I remember on the night of our graduation we took this lovely picture together standing in front of our principle’s office and that was the last time i saw her for a long time.

Sometime in highschool i bumped into her in a park close by and saw that she was pregnant. I didn’t ask questions and didn’t hear much from her. More years later, i bumped into her sister and found out some interesting information. My friend did have a baby and wasn’t in school any longer. About a year and a half ago, i bumped into her again and actually was able to speak with her. At that time, she had 2 children….two!! exactly…. ok…so, at this point, in your mind, you might have these bad prejudges thoughts….thoughts about pregnant teens, crazy teens having sex and not being responsible. Well… you are wrong. I found out that she is actually married to her children’s father. She had moved to Richmond Hill, in a nice house, her husband works as she takes cares of the children and has a part time job. She finished high school but decided not to continue in post secondary school. She is still very connected with her own family, they are very supportive by taking care of her children when she works part time. She actually comes downtown a lot to visit her own family, that is why I have the chance to bump into her all the time. Her husband is a hard worker and i was told was well off. They have this cute little family, with a house, cars and kids. When I saw her on Friday, the thing that got me thinking was seeing that she has a big baby bump, she is pregnant with her 3rd child.

If you asked me at the moment we took that picture in grade 8, i would have never imagined her as a mother 3 at this age. She seems very happy, and excited about her 3rd child. She has a simple life and now her goal is to raise her children.

I know of some classmates from elementary school who have children. Just from what I can think of right now, I know at least 7, this includes both mommies and daddies. The thing is, they aren’t sad teen parents who have children that are out of control, always hungry, sick and dirty. Many of these children are well cared for, growing up healthy, going into school age and have both there biological mother and father. I am very happy for my friends, happy that they are healthy and happy with their family.

However, this brings me to think, what do I want? What do I want to settle for? Am I those modern woman looking for a path into a career? Waiting till i’m 30 before thinking of family and marriage? I do have career ideas, things I want to do with my education and things I want to achieve in my field. But i’m not sure that I have to give up my plans for a family in order to achieve those goals.

Am I those woman who just want to settle down, have some kids and devote my life to raising them? Do i want to simply settle for such a simple life? As Im talking with my friend and seeing pictures of my classmate’s children, I feel very “seen mow” of their family life. Or even when I see young married couples, they have such a sweet little life.
I think that secretly, all girls want that. Its a modern world but every girl wants to have their cute little family. With that said, I also don’t think that wanting that means that I would cross my arms and not have a career.

I also want to do this and do that, and obviously without my own family I am more free to make decisions regarding my career. I had an interview the other night and the sir that was interviewing me was surprised of age and empathized that I was young. Its a twisted concept because at the age of 22, one person can be to young to be taken seriously as a teacher, but another person at the same age can be mother of 3 children. Try to wrap your head around that one.

So, whats the trend these days? Pick a side? or have both? Is it really true that modern woman have the best of the two worlds? I’m not sure of that.

Something to think about.

The reason why I like working with children so much is because they are so simple. Everyday they just go about doing their thing, learning, discovering and having fun. They dont have to worry about “all the other stuff”. If you seriously spend some time with a child or a group of children and put your heart and mind to play with them you will understand and feel their freedom. For example, playing tag in a park playground. All they are worried about is screaming like crazy, running around with their friends and trying not to be tagged. Its just simply so much fun.

As an adult, even though it seems like i’m just sitting here and doing nothing, my mind is racing and pacing. Sometimes it gets so far i can’t even catch up with it. Sometimes it just stuck and freezes in one spot. Like now. Some people say if you can’t say it then write it down..but my mind is still going in its own circles.

Only if we could be like this baby…

I use to be an advocate for families and strong family structures, but I think i’m losing heart already. Families are too complicated.

I can’t break free of what is destined in my life. I’m trying to go beyond what i am suppose to and seem not to be appreciated. Side note, never ever try to take over a woman’s territory…their kitchen. Its hell.

If i had a daughter, i would not want her to go through what ever I have. I know that is the wish all parents tell themselves, but its something about this wish is serious. For generations, the wish was to have the daughter have a better life, but the wish should be for the daughter to have a differently better life. Not for a second I would want my daughter to be in my situation. But as generations have shown, its going to take another 3 generations to have this wish happen.

I never use to understand people who argued that if they can not take care of their baby and provide them with the best life then they would rather choose not to have a child. I can see that now. I wouldn’t say that I coincide with the argument but I surely understand it more.

Its surely easier to detach from this current family culture to start your own. To leave everything behind and do it your own way.

Many would agree its time to leave what is here to learn to grow up. Maybe I am growing out of my family and growing out of this place. We will see what will come next.

Every family is different and every family has their book of history, secrets and deep problems. I can argue that all families are disfunctional becasue all families function in their weird own way. It would not be fair for anyone to say that another family is bad or wrong, its just that they have found their own way to get things done.

Each family have their history book of problems and long list of consequence but when is it safe to break free from these generational problems that had trickled down the line? Many people does not recognize it but much of who we are, what we do, what we think and how we proceed in life have lots to do with our family background and family bring up. As a young adult growing up and trying to break into adulthood, my question is, when is it ok or how is it ok to break away from your family culture?

Its even more difficult when you have an attachment. You have to not only learn about your own deep family issues and problems, you have to deal with deep issues with the other person. Typical American families would have the young adult move out and deal with the issues how ever they can. Asian families are quiet different depending where you are from, but especially for different genders it is dealt with in different ways. The females is almost expected to stay home till they get “married” out. The in-laws are expected to give a decent amount to compensate or make up for the lost of the daughter. For the males, they are expected to “take on” the family and be come the main man of the house. They are also expected to take care of the aging parents.

So what happens when you have a foot in each door? Family culture identity crisis? Absolutely. Especially if there are much more deeper issues involved. There are so many deep issues in this family that i want to fix or get rid of and do not know how to. However, i feel like if i dont deal with them, i’m just going to carry them on. Or have I already made a better choice and have begun to break the cycle?

Some may think that I have a better life then the previous woman or people in my family, but that doesn’t actually mean the cycle is broken. Yes, I do have a “better life” and yes, I have more education, but that does not mean that I would be happier then my parents will. The issues my mom wasn’t able to solve for my grandmother are the same or similar issues I’m seeing between my mom and I. Wait…let me back track a little. My mom had some wishes or things she wanted to do for her mom when she was a daughter. She felt that many times she did not do a good job and watched her mother go through bad things in the family as a daughter. When she became a mother, she had expectations for me that I could see her in the light she had as a daughter. I accepted these expectations and followed much of them. The question is, when do I stop fulfilling her missed expectations. Will I also take these expectations into my own family?

I could simply move out and disengage myself from this family culture and create my own, but that doesn’t mean the issues will go away. As much as I want to do that, I know I need to be here to at least attempt to fix that pass hurts. The only problem is figuring out a good solution.

I just cant take the emotional roller coasters. I definitely know where I get it from and definitely see how they get built up. It comes from not saying what I need to at the time it is needed. All these expectations gets built up and with a simply blow, the trust tower falls over.

i’ve carried far far away from what I was thinking about blabbing about. Families are one of thoses things, you love it the most but hate it the most, you can’t live without one but you cant live with one.

Go figure….

Just got a call from Al, he came home safely, and he sounds like he had a really good trip. I’m really happy for him. Now he needs a good night sleep.

So, yesterday……I have short term memory lost.

I just finished watching 50 first days…and sometimes I wish I was the girl.

So,….I got startled up yesterday at about 8:30 in the morning. My dad rushed me out of the house to go pick up the car. I was totally unprepared, didn’t have my coffee and dressed like a bum. We had a long drive up to brampton to find my van. I thought I would have more time to check out the van but my dad had to go some where and the guy needed to go to work, so in about 3 mins, we asked all our questions, he gave me all the paper work and I was sitting in the new van and trying to figure out how to move the van.  About 15 seconds later I was in D gear, flicking my right turn signal and stepping on the gas to head onto the road.

I was somewhere I wasn’t familiar with and driving a van I’ve only driving for 2 mins previously. I was almost out of gas and …. in the middle of a WET SNOW STORM. At one point I thought I was still dreaming. So… as I was driving I started to figure out how to work the van. I was driving slowly cuz the sky was pouring wet snow and the floor was slippery. I kept my eyes opened for the first gas station to show up and was trying to read the road signs. I finally found a gas station and pulled in. I didn’t even know which side my gas tank hole was….so I ended up pulling to the side and sat in the car for a good 10 minutes figuring things out. Finally I was ready to hit the road again.

I pulled up to the gas tank, closed my eyes and just pumped gas into the tank. I didn’t even bother to look at how much was going in. I knew it was expensive, but I had to drive home….and I had a long day to go with the car. Finally when it was all done, I had put 50 liters and spent $55….ah!! that hurt.

So, I drove myself home in my new van. It runs really well and is pretty comfortable. The highway was in really bad condition for a “first drive”. There was snow, rain and everything else in between. There were tons of trucks that kept on spraying at me so I couldn’t see in front of me. So…anyways, God protected me all the way and I made it home safely. I found a parking spot and spent about half an hour checking out my car. I found the middle seat out of place, I checked all the seat belts and checked how unclean it is. I have to find time to clean it….ewww.

So, I went home, took a shower and was quickly rushed out of the house to get a parking permit. I thought it would be a long wait, but it took 2 mins. So, i was early. I called my lunch mate and told her to hurry up. I went home to wait. I had nothing to do so I went to bug my brother. I went in to the room made myself comfortable and started to play my DS…haha…i thought HSM would bug him, but it didn’t, so I started to play Cooking Mama, 2 seconds in the game he was annoyed. LOL.

So I went out to a nice lunch with a little girl, then had a great time taking sticker photos. I love taking sticker photos, but no body ever likes to take them with me The machines are really cool now. Its not like before where you would take just one preset frames, now you can pick tons of them. It was really fun.

Then I had to go uptown. It was about rush hour, so of course I was stuck in traffic. I was so tired and bored, I almost fell asleep. LOL. An hour later, I finally make it to JAy’s house. I had to drop off some gifts and say good bye to him cuz he was leaving again. I stuck around the house a little to chat with Cindy. She hurt herself. So…finally I decided to leave.

I headed towards Scarborough Town Mall. It was packed!!! It took me like half an hour to find parking. I was already tired, then I got really frustrated because I couldn’t find a place to park. I was suppose to meet my ECE girls there, but they had all already left. Tear. So, I meet up with Nelly and my brother to have a nice sit down dinner. I was able to catch up with Nelly. We chatted up a storm. Finally, tony and I spent a short hour shopping in the mall. It was just closing so we didn’t get to see much. We didn’t see anything special or anything on a big sale so we didn’t buy much either.

As I was walking out of the Disney store….I bumped into a pair of love birds…lol…guess who!? Kitz and Chris….it was too funny. It was nice to see them anyways.

As the mall closed we rushed into Walmart, we spent some time looking for things we needed and a whole bunch of cheap DVDs. It was getting late so we left. Tony had his driving test today so he took a spin in the van. We drove to T&T.

I really miss going there with Al. The whole time I was in there, I totally missed him and remembered all the times we went there together. It was late but still packed with people. Tony and I had a good time just shopping for more fruit pops. We spent a good hour buying dried soup mixes. Let me explain. So, usually I would just pick out the packed soup mix. Well, this time, since I wasn’t in a rush and my brother kept on telling me I was getting ripped off, I decided I need to move up a level with my soup making.

This is how it works. I picked out the prepared soup mix that I usually buy, then we counted all the ingredients and went to find all of them separatly. I will go home and take from all the individual packs and learn how to put them together to make soup. As I learn them, I will learn how much of each I have to put in, and when I really get to know all the ingrediants, I will go and search for better quality ones.

So we spent a good hour trying to match up the english and chinese of all the stuff. The translations are so increadiable bad. So finally we finished. Then we quickly finished our shopping and went home.

It was a long and tiring day so I went to bed early.

Today was a long long day for me. I woke up, didn’t get a chance to do anything else and went to the store all day. I wanted to go to the gym but had to energy or strength to go. So, I just came home. I cleaned, organized more photos, watched 50 first dates, did other random stuff and waited for Al’s call.

My mom had a list of things for me to do, thats why i’m still up, but its all done so I’m going to sleep now. Good night.

Where is my holiday going?

So, I pretty much just stayed at home all day. The only time I stepped out of the house was when my dad came home and I helped him carry something. I think i’m suffering from mild S.A.D seasonal something something disorder…I get it every year. LOL….or…maybe I”m just relaxing at home. There was no sun light today so I didn’t miss to much out there.

I was watching the news and saw the crowds and crazyness out in the world. I’m glad I stayed home. In a nut shell (haha… nut…lol) I did the things I needed to.

Woke up, played on my DS while watching…well, listening to my new Leo Ku concert VCD. I didn’t even notice my brothers leaving the house. When I got hungry I went to make myself a yummy noodle soup to eat. When I was done I ran upstairs and was going to wake my brothers up, but only to find empty beds….they left already. I was home alone….all alone.

I spend a couple more hours playing on my new DS. I didn’t even notice that time fly by. The concert played with me the whole afternoon. Its a really good CD. I think I’ve played it about 3 times back to back now. I also finally finished all my laundry and tidied it up. I have to start cleaning up the room a little because my sister will be back soon and she will need some space to get in.

I also finally finished wrapping all the presents I have to give (so far). I cleaned up on that a little bit. I put everything into bags and ready to deliever them tomorrow when I leave my house :S.

I did tons of stuff on my computers, I even finished my resume….ewwwww!!! My sis will edit it and I’ll have to send it to somebody… Reality check.

I had a quick and quiet dinner. I ended the night with steam ironning. I had to iron some of the cloths I washed and I also wanted to try out my new iron. Its ok la….it always runs out of water so that is pretty annoying. Maybe Im not really good at using it yet but it still leaves some folds and such.

I also gave Hippo a nice bath. He smells nice and fresh. All his fur and top coat was all hot and steamy….lol. but now he is ready for a good night sleep.

Another CD has been with me all night. Its Michael Liang’s new CD. Its good as usual.

Now I have to sleep because apparently I’m getting the car tmr morning. I’m not even going to bother to be excited anymore because all the other times I was….it never happened.

I have to learn this lesson over and over again.

Not to rely on other people and not to get excited about things…sigh.

Ok, good night.

So Christmas 2007 zipped right passed.

My whole family was able to sleep in this morning. We didn’t set any alarm clocks and just woke up at our will. When we woke up, my mom had made some lunch for us to eat so we sat around just eating. We did do some…clean up, but it wasn’t much for a holiday. I also spent some of the time opening my gifts. I was surprised with a huge present from my sibs and some little friends, a Nintendo DS lite…I know that many people have it…but I’m special because I have the ICE BLUE one…haha…apparently its really hard to find. Well, I have it!! Yay!! I will show you a picture some time.

So finally we decided to go to Pmall. It was kinda quiet and boring and I had some gifts to deliver so we went. It took us forever to leave the house today, I dont know what it was. Finally we left and headed to the packed mall. I knew it was going to be busy and knew it would take us ages to find a parking spot, and just as I guessed, it took us about half an hour. But, in the car we were cracking jokes and having fun. When we finally spotted a spot I had my army that was in my car unload and stand in the spot, they helped direct my parking and then we were off the the mall. It was packed, filled with people and wasn’t very many sales. The best thing we got today was the fish balls and bubble tea…haha. My brothers bought some stuff, I got some new CDs, hopefully it will keep me entertained till Al gets back.

After shopping for a bit, I dropped off some presents. It was too bad I couldn’t hang out with them, I just dropped it off and that was it. I also went to the supermarket to do some last minute shopping to gather food for hot pot. My dad had a party, my brothers wanted to go out, so the house with left with my mom and I. I wasn’t going to ditch my mom on such a lovely night so I decided to go home to eat with her.

I also stopped by to drop off presents at Auntie’s place. She was at home eating dinner. I also brought my brothers just to greet her and give her a little something something. It was good to see her on Christmas.

I dropped off my bro’s friend somewhere in the west and proceeded to drop off more presents. I got some Dragon Bread candy and dropped some off for a friend. It was close to 9 by this time, so I headed home.

When I got home, it took my mom and I less then half an hour to prepare our meal. Before 9:30 we were sitting down together watching TV drama and enjoying our Hot and Spicy Hot pot. It was much fun and yummy to eat with my mom. We ate a lot of food. I didn’t even buy that much, but we still had a lot.

After dinner, I had a special place I wanted to visit. I thought about all last night and wanted to go but I just didn’t want to go alone. All through out dinner, I kept on looking at the clock and just couldn’t sit still. By the time I was done eating, I decided I had to go.

Not everyone will know where this place it. I decided to go here this night because it wasn’t the 24th. The streets seemed quiet and and peaceful. Since ….was not with with me this year, I thought it would be nice to capture my “moment” with my camera. It was disappointing when I arrived. Something about this Christmas seemed to be “absent”. I think the lights knew I was coming by myself, so it decided to be off too. The night seemed to be cold and something about it chilling.

I drove to the bridge and parked my car right on the side street. Gladly no popo decided to come visit me today. I had a quiet time, with some prayers and thanks giving and was just about to head home.

I couldn’t leave yet, there was one more place I had to visit to my the trip complete. This food mart store has been here all these years and have been kept open every year. I don’t remember which guy it was at the store, but I did my regular visit and went to get a bottle of water. This year, since it was so quiet and cold I drove the car right up to the door, put on my flashing lights and went inside. The dude kinda looked at me funny and had a “what are you doing out here so late by yourself” look. I greeted him, took a spin around the store, picked up my water and headed to the counter. I started small talk with the dude and told him why I was there at that time and what it really meant. He chuckled and wished me a very happy new year. I took my water and that was my trip.

I wanted to take a longer spin outside so I took a little detour home just to enjoy the night. I drove slowly down Yonge Street all the way to lake shore. I had a nice view and had nice quick drive home. It actually took me much faster then I hoped to get home. I came home to rest up and finally blog.

Thats it! there goes the anniversary and there goes Christmas. Its nothing extra special but much anticipations is built up around Christmas, and zip…it just zooms by.

I’m heading to sleep and ready to battle the next built up…the NEW YEAR.